i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
