I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
