Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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