guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
