Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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