I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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