Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
