Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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