this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
