There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
