Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
