**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
