Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
