Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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