my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
