I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
please don't ironically join a cult
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