so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
