I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
