well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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