Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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