I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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