I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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