I think my vagina is haunted
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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