you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
