Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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