If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
