He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
