i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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