I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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