my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
