I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
