i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
