I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
