I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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