I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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