Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
