So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
