Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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