one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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