I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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