When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
