I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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