I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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