laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
