Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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