Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
