Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
