you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Can I color on your dick again?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
