I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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