I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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