You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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