I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
