Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
