I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
