The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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