I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
